I have been dating a guy since past one year and I am pretty sure he is a nice, caring and liberal person. The thing is he was in a live-in, serious relationship three years back. His ex-girlfriend cheated on him and they broke up. But since the time we have met, he talks about his ex-partner almost every day, including my birthday, our anniversary, date nights and even his birthday. He just does not discuss what made them part their ways; he also talks about their special moments, their romantic dates and the vacations they took together. Initially, I was okay with this thing but it has been a year now and he is still the same. I feel he has not moved on and is still in love with her. They are not in contact since three years but he thinks a lot about her. Whenever I confront him on this topic, he clearly mentions he has moved on. What should I do? – By Anonymous
Response by Ms. Devisha Batra: Hi! Thank you for sharing your query with us. I can completely understand how his discussions about his ex-partner can make you feel uncomfortable, insecure and worried about your future as well. This can be confusing and complicated as well.
Even though it has been few years that he has not been talking to her, his constant ways of talking about her makes you feel uneasy. It is quite understandable as dealing with your partner’s past is distressing and tough to handle.
The key now here is to find ways that work for both of you and helps you settle effectively. In my opinion, it is important to talk to him about how his conversations about her make you feel. This will help him understand what is running in your mind. I am sure you might have expressed how it affects you, but this time try and talk to him differently without accusing him or blaming for what has happened. Instead, calmly and assertively let him know about your concerns.
As he may be still way too attached to her and the feeling of being cheated by her may be too overwhelming for him to bear. Maybe by speaking to you, he is venting out his feelings and can be one of his ways of healing himself from his unsteady past. Appreciate him for being honest with you and sharing the intimate details. I am sure you have been supportive all this while. This will help you build a rapport differently and can be helpful for your relationship.
Also on your special days, make sure you communicate to him to refrain from talking about her for that day if possible. These boundaries will help to keep your time and special days ‘special’. This will help you both understand each other better as well.
This will take some time. And if in case, he still talks, be mindful of your reactions. You may just give him a small reminder saying we can discuss about her tomorrow
Each individual has different ways of moving on, for him it can be immensely difficult to not think about her. You both here have been looking the same situation differently. For him, this is the only way he can think on moving on and he may be trying his level best.
You are a big support to him. Appreciate yourself also for managing all this while. Now view things differently and think of various ways in which you can now spend time together.